Happy Gilmore in the House of Pain

Hollywood Hard-On

Hollywood's got a real hard-on for remakes these days, eh? Everything from Red Dawn to Drop Dead Fred (reportedly starring Russell Brand [who, if he's going to play Robert Smith, lead singer of The Cure, in a Robert Smith biopic, should do it now]).

So I'd like to propose a couple more, since the time seems ripe for it: Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom and The Island of Dr. Moreau. Hell, why not? I mean, if they're willing to redo Endless Love and The Black Hole...

Now, I'm thinking both of these remakes could be Adam Sandler vehicles ('cause he's a bankable star and we're doing this for the money; prestige we can work on later, when we've paid off the mortgage & all our credit cards).

Stinks or Sucks - who cares? YOU should!

We'd rename Salò something like Life Sucks, 'cause 1) it'd then have more multiplex appeal than fucking Salò, and 2) a few years from now, somebody'll send their spouse to Blockbuster to rent Life Stinks, that Mel Brooks movie from 1991, but they won't be paying attention and will inadvertently rent Life Sucks instead. Money in the bank, bitches!

So what'd it be about? Well, Salò's about a quartet of Italian fascists who rape & torture a bunch of kids just for kicks. The end. The Adam Sandler version could be about a quartet of American neocons who kidnap & brainwash a bunch of kids as part of some Manchurian Candidate-style scheme to stage a coup d'état and establish a Christian theocracy in the U.S. à la The Handmaid's Tale. 'Cause somebody's got to stop the liberals & the gays & the abortionists. And the Mexicans. And the zombies. And that's where the title kicks in, btw, 'cause life'd suck for the kids while they're getting brainwashed & beaten & fed nothing but Egg Beaters & tap water.

Adam Sandler'd play a pet store owner who stumbles onto the neocons' plot and reluctantly takes it upon himself to thwart their shit.

(This'd kick ass on a double bill with You Don't Mess with the Zohan, IMHO.)

Dr. Moreau pulls a boner...

Since Moreau's now an Adam Sandler movie, the first thing we'd do is change the name "Moreau" to "Murray," which'd give us The Island of Dr. Murray as the title, which'd make it easier for skaterboys in Illinois to pronounce & remember.

Then we cast Orlando Bloom as "Prendick," the hero of the story, and Megan Fox as Murray's sister (& Orlando's love interest), "Charlene," which'd be awesome 'cause then you could have a scene in which Megan tells Orlando she can never be with him again after their wild night of intense fire-lit fornication ('cause she just found out she's not Murray's sister but one of his experiments, cloned from an aardvark) and you could play that Gap Band song, "Burn Rubber On Me," as she walks away from him, breaking his heart, 'cause even though Charlie Wilson's saying "burn rubber on me, Charlie," it sounds like he's saying "burn rubber on me, Charlene," which is what most civilized people think he's saying anyway.

Next, we get Chris Tucker to play "Montgomery," Murray's assistant (ideally, he'd play this character the same way he played Ruby Rhod in The Fifth Element, with that same high-pitched squeaky stutter & hyper-agitated mannerisms: "D-D-D-D-D-Doc! D-D-D-D-D-Doc! It's the beastmen OHMYGAAAD! That muthafucka Hyena-Swine's got 'em all riled up like a bunch o' muthafuckas OHMYGAAAD!").

And Adam Sandler plays Dr. Murray, formerly the most brilliant surgeon in America, now living in self-imposed exile on an uncharted island in the South Pacific after his sister's death, for which he blames himself: she died shortly after a failed attempt to replace her burned-out uterus with a chimpanzee's. Deranged by the experience, he now spends his days playing God and experimenting on his half-human / half-animal creations, the Beastmen, who spend their days confined in a hut called "Human School," learning to eat with utensils & relieve themselves in toilets, and watching movies like The Lion King and Serpico.

The movie'd end with Orlando, Megan & Chris escaping the island on jet skis as DeBarge's "Rhythm of the Night" plays on the soundrack.

(This'd kick ass on a double bill with Life Sucks.)

I amaze myself with these highly commercial projects I dream up.

Hasta la próxima...

Copyright © 2010 by Diego Baz