What child is THIS?

It's now officially the most wonderful time of the year, my lovelies. Some of you are giddy, some of you are anxious, and some of you could give a rat's ass (bah, humfuck). Some of you are hoping Santa Claus'll finally bring you that divorce you've been restlessly waiting for, while others just wanna get laid this holiday season 'cause it's been like 6 months or so since your last encounter of the carnal kind and you've been having trouble concentrating on other things as a result. Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows? What am I, a mind-reader over here?

Whatever your holiday state of mind, though, remember: the Christmas season is here, so put away your guns & knives & weedwhackers, and stop trying to poison your neighbor's pets - and for Christ's sake, don't drink & drive between now & January 2nd; the last thing you want to do is plow into an oncoming car & grease a whole family at Christmas (whatever your faults & shortcomings may be [e.g. you actually paid to see Step Up 3D at the theater], you're not a homicidal maniac, are you?). Just drink your eggnog and leave the plutonian business of murder & mayhem to our government trained professionals.

Onward to this entry's offerings...

Dead Alone

All this'd be is Home Alone + Night of the Living Dead, thus:

Mischievous 8 yr. old Wally Brambles gets left behind by his family during Christmas. A pair of bumbling burglars breaks into the anthropologist's house next door to steal a copy of the Necronomicon and inadvertently wake the dead largely ignored by his family. Soon enough, Wally finds himself besieged by the living dead, and he's alone...dead alone...

Much Ado About Dracula

I came up with this one on April 18, 2006. The mashup is my natural state of mind, it seems.

Take Much Ado About Nothing + Dracula, then blend: Don Pedro & his companions Benedick & Claudio pay a visit to Leonato, governor of Messina. While there, Claudio gets a boner for Leonato's daughter, Hero, but is constantly cock-blocked by Leonato's mysterious & annoying house guest, Count Dracula, who wants Hero for his own. Things get messy when Van Helsing & Jonathan Harker arrive (disguised as interior decorators) to dispatch the Count.

A Nightmare of Their Own

On May 28, 2006, I thought it'd be a good idea to mashup A Nightmare on Elm Street and A League of Their Own. Simple. Freddy Krueger stalks an all-girl baseball team in the 1940s.

Unpleasantville

Two teen couch potatoes get sucked into a combo David Lynch / Lucio Fulci version of their favorite TV show. Pleasantville + Blue Velvet + The Beyond. You're welcome.

The Hills Have Elves

Jotted this one down on December 19, 2006. Now here's a Yuletide flick I'd like to see. The Hills Have Eyes + Elves = the dysfunctional Hurwood family's RV breaks down on the way to grandma's house for Christmas, while at a secret army base nearby, a government experiment to turn Santa's elves into deadly bioweapons has gone awry. I'm sure you can figure out what happens next (except for the movie ending with a wedding - didn't see that one coming, did you?). Ho, ho, ho!

Please Don't Eat My Time Machine

This one's from May 21, 2007. Had no story for it at the time, but thinking about it now I'd have to say the story for a title like this'd have to be about a kooky Doc Brown-type scientist who invents a dime-sized time machine. He's forced to hide the time machine in a birthday cake for some reason, and then the cake's delivered to some kid's birthday party, and the kooky scientist'd arrive just in time to watch the birthday boy or girl eat the slice with the time machine in it - this'd be the title scene, of course; in slow motion, the kid puts the cake in his/her mouth as the kooky scientist leaps across the backyard & cries out, "Please don't eat my  t i m e   m   a   c   h    i    n    e  !"

Too late, of course - the kid eats the time machine and now every time he/she burps or farts, he/she jumps in time; the scientist'd follow him/her back & forth across the timeline and then, once the kid's been apprehended, it'd be a simple matter of waiting for him/her to shit out the time machine so everyone can go home. If it helps, the scientist & the kid are surrounded by zombies.

Copyright © 2010 by Diego Baz