The Zombisexuals

Okay, so I'm going through my Idea Chest today, and I see that back in 2002 or 2003, I came up with this little gem:

The Zombisexuals

A delightful blend of voodoo, sex & zombies set in the ever-tasteful milieu of a women's prison. Traditional sex & violence formula, of course...gorgeous "babes behind bars," ensuring the requisite gratuitous nudity the cognoscenti'd expect from this type of movie...and shocking scenes of torture & degradation at the hands of Gamorrean-like prison guards. By Jove, what a stew! Such scenes of licentiousness & depravity'd be enough to guarantee a filthening of the viewer's soul, I'm sure. Break out the Raisinets, mes ami!

The Caribbean island nation of Macumba: in a remote women's prison in the jungle, gold-hearted inmate Emma and tough-cookie inmate Juanita lead their respective cliques through food fights, riots & attempted break-outs. Naturally these babes'd be fun to watch, but the show-stealer'd be the warden, Greta Bormann (played to perfection [if I had my way] by Kathy Bates), who'd have these delightfully weird & hideously expensive dreams that'd look like L'Age d'Or meets Showgirls.

Meanwhile, news reporter Gloria Simon (ideal casting: Kate Winslet) and CIA agent Frank Rayben (James Caviezel) travel to Macumba to find Gloria’s sister, Jill (Lucy Davis), who’s disappeared; they find out that Jill’s been mistaken for a member of an all-girl criminal gang and sentenced to 30 years in prison for attempted robbery (actually, Jill was just an innocent bystander during the robbery, but the Macumban cops are a bunch of corrupt morons who're convinced Jill was in on the job).

Elsewhere on the island, tribal chief Zacato (Edward James Olmos) and his high priest Omango (Wes Studi) have been raising the dead and building a zombie army. "But why?" you ask, your voice tinged with a measure of desperation. "Okay," I say, "I'll tell you." Zacato & Omango plan to attack the prison where Lupe (America Ferrera), Zacato’s daughter, died after being convicted on trumped-up charges of terrorism - Macumba, you see, is ruled by General René Cardona (Gary Oldman or Mandy Patinkin), your typical Caribbean macho-shithead/corrupt dictator (is there any other kind?), whose repressive government regularly rounds up suspected “terrorists” and imprisons/executes them without proof, trial or appeal. Lupe was never a terrorist, 'though she did have a brief affair with Pedro Falconi (Benicio del Toro, Diego Luna or Jake Gyllenhaal), head of the Macumban People’s Army, a Marxist revolutionary group (oh, see - now you get where the charges of "terrorism" could've come from).

Anyhoo, everyone’s paths eventually intersect in the explosive third act finale, as Zacato & Rayben fight to the death while Gloria & Jill flee from Omango while the zombies attack the prison while the Gamorrean-like guards inside try to put down yet another riot while Emma & Juanita duke it out for final supremacy of the prison’s cliques while General Cardona orders the army to flatten the prison once and for all. Who'll live? Who'll die? Who'll believe Jake Gyllenhaal as a Caribbean revolutionary? (Me! That's who!)

I don't know, man: I think this story could actually work...

Copyright © 2010 by Diego Baz