If the talented & sexy Megyn Price ("Audrey" on CBS's affable Rules of Engagement) wanted to branch out into features, a good place for her to start would be in my Disneyesque comedy, First Mom in Space, which tells the story of an overprotective mom who follows her astronaut son into outer space and makes him wear his sweater. This movie would make people laugh, especially people who have mothers.
Later on in the story, mom & son & the rest of the crew come across a derelict starship floating in space and find its cargo hold jam-packed with endoparasitoids that impregnate their hosts through the anus (like the facehugger in Alien, except that these motherfuckers hug your ass, which'd make them "asshuggers"). Sure enough, one of the other astronauts gets "fertilized" by an asshugger and becomes a reluctant baby-mama, after which he shits out a hideous alien baby and then dies. I can imagine some people in the audience getting upset or grossed out at this point, and saying things like, "Oh, em, gee - did that alien thing just come out of that dude's ass?" and "I can't believe this is a Disney movie!" and "I'm never going to the bathroom again - colostomy bag all the way, baby!"
Freaked out of their minds but steadfast in their loyalty to the script, mom & son & crew corner the alien baby (which more or less looks like an angry turd) in the kitchen, where they throw things at it while screaming incoherent obscenities like "Fucking turd ass die fuck you!" and "Alien shit fuck goddamnit!" etc., all of which fails to make any sort of impression on their little visitor.
Understandably, the alien turd baby promptly slithers away into a conduit and starts wreaking havoc with the ship's systems. Propulsion goes down. Life support starts failing. The food in the refrigerator starts going bad. A crewmember says "I've got a bad feeling about this," to which another crewmember says, "That's no moon - that's a space station!" Huh?
It soon occurs to Megyn's son that they're handling the alien turd baby situation the wrong way. "It occurs to me we're handling this alien turd baby situation the wrong way," he says, and then explains that since the alien's a baby, maybe it'd be easy to win over (instead of kill) by mothering it, and who better to do so than his own mom? "Aside from your rampant overprotectiveness," he tells her, "you've always been a great mom." This brings tears to everyone's eyes. "Now be a great mom to that alien turd baby - like you were to me - and let's get the hell out of here!"
The movie'd end with everyone's safe return to Earth, including the alien turd baby (whom Megyn adopts and names "Crispus Wampanoag"). Disney would make a lot of money with this movie: it's got something for everyone!
Fill 'er up!
I'm not sure that every title I come up with is a movie title. Maybe some of the titles I come up with are short story titles, like "Here Comes a Kiss on a Helicopter" and "Funeral for a Grievance." Maybe some would make good titles for literary novels by writers like Ian McEwan and Paul Auster, like A Woman in the Dark and In the Fog of Infinity and The Agony of Lights and Cowboy Cannibal Blood Feast. If Mr. McEwan or Mr. Auster ever got stuck for titles, I'd sure help them 'cause I've got lots!
The Legacy of Rainer Werner Fassbinder
Back on October 11, 2007, I wrote down the following titles in my notebook: The Living Smell, The Deadly Phone, Twitch of the Blood Beast and Island of the Lost Universe. These all sound like early Jerry Lewis movies to me (except the last one, which reeks more of things like Hawk the Slayer and Yor: The Hunter from the Future and, to a lesser degree, Atonement). Another thing these titles have in common is that the movies they'd designate would probably be greeted with more interest & curiosity in the 1970s & 1980s, before everyone got "sophisticated" and started watching more high-brow stuff like Meet the Spartans and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Resident Evil: Afterlife. These days, it's like every regular Joe in the multiplex reads Cahiers du cinéma. I should buy a time machine, 'cause I could make a lot of money in the past (when audiences were more stupider).
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