From my XB71 file, sometime in 2003:
"ISLAND OF THE DAMNED (French Kiss + Zombie): J.C. DALTON calls his fiancée KAREN MILES from France & tells her he’s fallen in love w/ someone else; crushed but determined to win him back, Karen flies to France; on plane she meets ÉTIENNE CHAVAL, scruffy but charming Frenchman (duh), whom she immediately dislikes (or so she thinks); Chaval has come back to France to pay a debt to crimelord BRUNO LEFÈVRE but corrupt cops burst in & kill Lefèvre; Chaval then framed for murder; Chaval runs into Karen & hurriedly joins her – she’s going to Ile d'Ombres (Island of Shadows), private island near Sardinia, where Dalton & his new fiancée, ANTONELLA ROSSI, have supposedly gone to meet Rossi’s parents; Karen & Chaval arrive on island & are immediately unsettled by sense of desolation permeating the place; they hear sounds of struggle nearby & go to investigate: they see man w/ large head wound attack a fisherman – fisherman stabs wounded man in heart repeatedly to no effect; wounded man then tears fisherman’s throat open & starts eating him; Karen holds her mouth to hold in her scream, like in that Cure song ("The Kyoto Song"); eventually they’ll discover that Antonella & her parents are members of secret voodoo cult which is resurrecting the dead for purposes of world conquest & that J.C. is their latest convert; Lefèvre’s men follow Chaval to island and in turn are followed by police nationale & Interpol for big gore-&-bullets finale"
This is totally the kind of movie somebody would've made between 1970 and 1983. No one would make a movie like this nowadays. For many people, that's a good thing. I feel sorry for those people. They're stupid.
Pharaohs & Crackheads
Here's a title I came up with on January 15 of this year: Fatal Skull. Again, this'd be the kind of turkey that no one'd greenlight in these enlightened times (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, yes; Fatal Skull, no - alas, the happy consequence of more refined cinematic sensibilities). Which means modern audiences'd miss out on the story of a sexy female archaeologist who discovers the tomb of Zenotep, an Egyptian pharaoh (as opposed to, say, a Hungarian pharaoh) who according to some accounts practiced black magic & maybe colon cleansing. See? Already the story's kind of spooky.
Zenotep's sarcophagus is shipped back to the Metropolitan Museum of Ancient Antiquities in New York or maybe Chicago, where Zenotep's skull is stolen by a couple of crackheads who become the skull's slaves when it comes to life and starts talking to them in a metallic echoey baritone: "I am Zenotep, king of Egypt and lord of death! You are now my servants. Get me out of the rain, I don't like being wet."
Hot young coeds start disappearing all over the city. It turns out Zenotep's ordered his crackhead acolytes to perform ritual sacrifices to Set, who in return will restore Zenotep to life (life as more than just a talking skull [à la Larry King]). The sexy female archaeologist's sexy homicide detective ex-boyfriend is assigned to the case ("I have to find out who's killing these coeds, damn it!") and eventually has a Lethal Weapon 2-type showdown with Zenotep & his cult of goons - which has grown to over 100 dues-paying members - in a secret subterranean pyramid, like in Young Sherlock Holmes.
If they're not doing anything next year, I think Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green should play the sexy female archaeologist and her sexy homicide detective ex-boyfriend. These are the kind of roles they could play in their sleep, plus their working together on the same movie would be like when Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton worked together on The Sandpiper. How romantic! I guess I'm a romantic at heart.
Blame It on the Brain
The title Brainwar is from July 23, 2009. It's the story of two disembodied brains who hate each other. One's in a bowl, one's in a jar. They each have a dim-witted henchman working for them, through which they prosecute a never-ending war of attrition. For example, bowl-brain sends his henchman to slash jar-brain's tires; jar-brain has his henchman steal bowl-brain's newspaper. Bowl-brain's henchman orders 20 pizzas to jar-brain's house; jar-brain's henchman pees in bowl-brain's aquarium, killing Milky Jim, bowl-brain's 15" platinum arowana. And so on.
Eventually, the two henchman discover they're brothers and move to Washington D.C. and become risk management specialists for the FDA. This leaves the warring brains powerless and brings their conflict to an end. The message of the movie would be: "If you're disabled, hate will make you more disabled." This is a powerful uplifting message for today's young people, which is why this movie should be made soon, before the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan get worse. People like uplifting stories like these, so one more wouldn't hurt.
Copyright © 2010 by Diego Baz (except for the pictures)
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