Back on August 17, 2009, I came up with the title Kiss My Axe! which to me sounds like something that'd feature a Flo Castleberry-type waitress who goes insane after a séance (or after a surprise gang-banging by itinerant rodeo clowns) and then spends the rest of the movie hacking everyone to itty-bitty pieces. With an axe. This is the sort of movie used car dealers would make in the '70s for $20,000. I wish those days were here again.
My Boyfriend Isn't Macho, But My Burrito Is
The word "macho" is hardly ever used to describe people or systems of thought anymore, at least here in the U.S. (Austria-Hungary, I don't know). These days, the only thing that's "macho" out there is a burrito. Go to Del Taco, check out the menu. Macho.
Merriam-Webster defines "macho" as "characterized by machismo; aggressively virile." Now the Freudian aspect of this matter suggests itself, of course (ding!), because c'mon: a semi-phallic food item is trumpeted as "aggressively virile" in appeal to the über-hetero "manly" demographic out there (the toolbelt-wearers, the football fans, the auto mechanics, etc.). It's like they're saying, "C'mon, dude, eat this big meaty dick!" No one gets the irony, apparently.
Whatever. My point is: there's an entry in one of my notebooks, for April 16, 2009, which says Macho Exorcist. Which is exactly the kind of movie I want to see, in both theatrical & director's cuts, along with an hour's worth of outtakes (the "Muy Macho Edition" Blu-Ray'd come with a little bottle of fake holy water & a plastic crucifix).
In a delightful departure from his usual role of "Mexican bad-ass," Danny Trejo'd star as Father Escobar, a Mexican bad-ass priest who exorcises demons the way other people wash their cars or iron their clothes or floss. NBD. In Macho Exorcist, though, he'd take on the Dark One himself when said Dark One possesses the Pope's dog.
Monkey See, Monkey KILL!
On October 12, 2008, I whipped up the title Chimpanzero, which is precisely the kind of thing that makes people think Yikes, I'll wait for the DVD. Yay! Big screen, small screen - either way, the story's the same: a genetically engineered chimpanzee, dubbed "Test Subject Zero," goes insane after a séance (or after a surprise gang-banging by itinerant rodeo clowns) and then spends the rest of the movie hacking everyone to itty-bitty pieces. With an axe. This is the sort of movie George Romero made in 1988 for $7,000,000 and called Monkey Shines.
I guess Chimpanzero'd be similar, except that in Monkey Shines, the homicidal primate is a monkey (and also the protagonist's housekeeper), while in Chimpanzero, the homicidal primate is a chimpanzee (and employed by the TSA as a luggage screener at JFK: "That's it, Fufu, press the X-ray button. There's a good boy. Who wants a dehydrated banana treat?").
Copyright © 2010 by Diego Baz (except for the pictures)
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