It occurred to me on August, 31, 2008, that The Sexy Moron would be a good title for a movie with Rob Schneider in it. Not that Rob'd play the titular moron - maybe he'd be the guy who gets stuck with said moron instead. Now, I'm sure you've just put down your coffee cup or bong or Rabbit and've asked yourself, "Why would Rob Schneider get stuck with a moron, and a sexy one at that?"
Way to go, man. I like it when you guys ask questions like that.
How about this: Rob Schneider plays an FBI agent who graduated last in his class at Quantico and is considered a joke at the Bureau. He's assigned to a witness protection detail, guarding a blonde airhead supermodel (i.e. the sexy moron) who's supposed to testify against a Mob boss or corrupt government official or shapeshifting extraterrestrial, whatever. Of course, it turns out that loser agent Rob's actually expected to fuck up his assignment by his own boss, who's in cahoots with the aforementioned Mob boss or corrupt government official or vampire sperm whale, whatever.
I think it'd be interesting, however, to trample on the audience's expectations by having Rob actually fail to protect the blonde airhead supermodel, and fail spectacularly, e.g. they're both puréed in a slow-mo Wild Bunch-style shoot-out at the end; with his dying breath, Rob says "You bloody bastard..." to the Mob boss or corrupt government official or homicidal cyborg from the future, whatever, and falls on the firing mechanism to the Alpha-Omega bomb from Beneath the Planet of the Apes, which blows up the whole world. People would walk out of the theater saying, "I can't believe that was a Rob Schneider movie."
Say "No" to Augmentation Mammaplasty
The following day, September 1, 2008, my brain told me that Nightmare Under the Skin would be a good title for a movie with Patricia Heaton in it, about a psychotic breast implant surgeon (I'm sure they're out there) who kills blonde airhead supermodels like the Sexy Moron by using C4 instead of saline/silicone implants during the mammaplasty enlargement procedure; she then sets off the C4 with a remote control detonator, screaming "You were perfect just as you were! Oh God!" I guess an alternate title for this movie would be The Exploding Tits Movie, or in German: Das Explodierenden Titten Film. People would walk out of the theater saying, "This country's going straight to hell."
How to Give Head in Advertising
That same week, after coming up with titles like Meet Me on Death Island and Zombie Inferno and Blood of the Ingenue and From Hell's Heart, there was this thought in my head that contained within it the idea that Depravity's Rainbow would be a good title for a movie with Corbin Bernsen & Alyssa Milano (naked) in it, as a pair of intrepid Coast Guard investigators who find an island where Zaroff, a depraved Russian nobleman (played to perfection by Wayne Knight, also naked), hunts blonde airhead supermodels like the Sexy Moron for sport.
Zaroff throws the two investigators in his dungeon, where they meet Wingo, king of the pixies, who helps them escape. They come back to the island with a boatload of Coast Guard commandos. I think it'd be interesting to cater to the audience's expectations and have Zaroff get kibbled in a slow-mo Wild Bunch-style shoot-out at the end; with his dying breath, Zaroff says "You bloody bastard..." to the Coast Guard and falls on the firing mechanism to the Alpha-Omega bomb from Beneath the Planet of the Apes, which blows up the whole world. People would walk out of the theater saying "I want to join the Coast Guard!" the way young men said "I want to join the Navy!" after seeing Top Gun in 1986.
Copyright © 2010 by Diego Baz
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