Back on April 3, 2006, it occurred to me that it might be possible to transpose Tolkien's Lord of the Rings saga into the Old West, the way Coppola set Heart of Darkness during the Vietnam War in Apocalypse Now. Of course, LOTR being a trilogy, its retelling as a Western epic would necessitate its execution as three separate movies, thus:
The Fellowship of the Gun would tell the tale of a band of gunfighters, cowboys, rustlers, etc. who form a posse to find & kill Black Bob, a genocidal maniac terrorizing the Southwest with his army of no-good varmints, and by "terrorize" I mean terrorize, like really cruel & twisted shit à la Vlad Țepeș.
The Two Rifles would continue the story, with our daring heroes following Black Bob into Mexico, and Return of the .45 would wrap things up with a gigantic clash between our heroes, Black Bob & his gang, and the Mexican army - think Sam Peckinpah as produced by Joel Silver. Carnage galore!
Aimez-vous la pornographie?
I think it's time for a movie called The Republican Nymphomaniac, don't you? Sure, it probably wouldn't do too well overseas (especially in Albania), 'cause they don't have Republicans in other countries (except the British, who call 'em Conservatives) - then again, it might if you put enough T&A in it, 'cause they seem to like T&A more in foreign countries, or at least they're not as freaked out by & squeamish about it as we pretend to be in the U.S. I mean, Americans act all prissy & prudish about porn, yet we spend $4 billion a year on it, whereas in France they're like, "Yeah, I'm watching me some porn ce soir, 'cause I totally feel like it. Right after I eat a shitload of cheese, of course. Bye, mom!" Vive la France, man.
Go ask Alice, bitch...
I was watching Willow the other day and it occurred to me that in all the "high fantasy" and sword & sorcery stories I've read or watched (or even listened to: check out KISS's The Elder [Hoo-whee: stinkeroo!]), the dwarf always stays the same size. Why is that?
Not once in Willow or Lord of the Rings or Krull or Excalibur or the Conan movies or Conquest or The Devil's Sword or Four Weddings & a Funeral does a dwarf ever want or think to escape his/her bodily dimensions. All that magic lying around or stuffed into amulets or potions or suppositories, etc., and it never occurs to the dwarves (or hobbits or gnomes or Ewoks or whoever) to make themselves bigger, or at least conjure up some platform shoes or lifts. I don't get it.
Which is why, in my story The Giant Dwarf, the first thing the dwarf does is use Gandalf's wand or Merlin's shoes (whatever) to make his ass bigger. Not his "ass" ass; his self-ass. Because I'm a bastard, though, said dwarf overdoes it with the magicking and turns himself into a giant. A giant dwarf. Which admittedly comes in handy in the battle against extreme right-wing queen Taratha & her army of undead crewcut swordsman; later on, though, it becomes more of a liability, 'cause back home in the dwarf village, everyone's scared of him & his wife won't sleep with him & he keeps stepping on everybody's pumpkins, and it just keeps getting worse & worse, until he gets so depressed that he hangs himself from a giant redwood. The end.
And that's why dwarves shouldn't fiddle around with magic.
Copyright © 2010 by Diego Baz (except for the pictures & videos)
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